I’ll be 22 in a couple of days.
All this getting old stuff has had me thinking about the
major choices I’ve made through out my life; choices about which
extracurricular activities I chose to embrace (singing, dancing- tap for 10
years, baby!); choices about who I’ve been friends with or whom I’ve dated;
definitely about where I’ve chosen to go to school (schools* rather: Columbus
State, Ohio University, back to Columbus State, then finally here at Ohio
State.)
All of these things-positive or negative experiences- have
given shape to the person that I am right now, in this very moment.
The things that we choose to do shape a very specific kind
of life, a life that is central to the kind of work that we do and the way we
are as a whole.
I find myself thinking about what I will tell my future kids
about the life decisions I’ve made and will make.
Why did you choose
that major, mom?
Do you like what
you’re doing right now?
How did you know
what’s right for you?
Would you have done
anything differently?
Second-guessing comes naturally to me. I don’t like to say,
“doubting” because eventually I arrive at a place of contentment. I also find
myself apologizing…for a lot of things, for parts of who I am and who I have
been. I think to an extent this is a healthy exercise of self-awareness, but
too much of it is a staggering way to live life. It sucks the joy and the
excitement out of making decisions, big or small, and of feeling the freedoms
of just being yourself.
I’ve been feeling burnt out, guys.
This tour has been beyond fulfilling but also it’s been exhausting
and stressful.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wanted to throw in the towel
and call it a day at one point…or two.
And let me be very clear: that feeling is not because I’ve
“found the school” or because I favor one over the other. No way. I think it’s
just…life. (Could I be more vague?)
But fear not! There’s no way I’m quitting now!
I feel like I have to finish this tour to be able to be able
to say one day, “yeah, I did that. And I did ALL of it. And I’m happy I did.”
I want to be able to accomplish something I put so much
time, effort, money, and emotion into;
I want to be able to look at my future children (bless their
hearts), square in the eye, and tell them that regardless of the outcome of my
choices, I ended up some place better.
And I believe that to be a product of perspective and
maturity.
22 is going to be good.
Better than my heartbreak-filled 20th year.
And better than my angsty 21st.
I hereby declare it!
I’ll nail it to whatever door I need to…preferably a door to
Target... or a Nine West store :D
It will all start with a visit to The Methodist Theological
School in Ohio next week!
Keep an eye out and be happy! :)
