Dusty shelves & cluttered closets.

I am a planner.
I like to plan.
So when this idea of the tour started to become an actual possibility, I ran with it. And I ran faster than I thought I could or thought I wanted to. I sent out emails- tons and tons of emails- I did research, booked flights, made phone calls. Everything I needed to do to make this thing happen.

A week before I was supposed to make the trip down to Durham, NC to visit Duke Divinity School for my first official visit, I experienced this massive change of mind.
"This is a silly idea."
"You don't even have an interest in half of these schools. I already know I'm not going to go there."
"You're going to waste your time AND your money? Be serious."
"A single year? How are you going manage traveling, and school, and work, and family, and friends, and church, and.........."
In my head, there were so many legitimate reasons not to do this. I became anxious, and while those that know me well know that that's not all that out of the ordinary, the feeling I had was abnormal in the fact that it was just so powerful. It consumed my thoughts for a good two to three days and during those days I did everything I could to process my thoughts.
Were these thoughts my own? Or was this a message God was giving to me? How could I be sure? And if this was God, did I have a choice?

Discerning is hard!
Especially when you're not sure if you're discerning or if you're actually just trying to rationalize the thing you want.
I spent time praying, journaling, working out, cleaning, doing yoga, sitting in silence- anything that would help me focus.
And every time I did, I asked myself the same questions:
Is this something you can live without? Yes.
When you're older will you look back at this and regret not doing it? No. Because...-insert reason here...

During the times I actually took time to shut up and just listen I kept hearing, "It will be 'okay.'" "If you don't go, it would be 'okay.'"
But I've settled for "okay" for a long time. I remember the times when I struggled to be at "okay."
And I want to see "great." "Wonderful." "Amazing."
"Okay" is what keeps me here. At a stand-still, a place that I have been trying to move away from for four years. This place is a shelf where the things I've learned and the people I've met get to sit and wait for me to use them; it's the place where the dreams I've imagined for my life are placed in the back of the closet for when I find a need for them, when they are actually somewhat tangible.

So...

After talks with my parents, my dear friends, Brittany & Megan & Dorothy, getting my butt kicked by my mentor, and after receiving not only monetary support, but spiritual and moral support from my congregation at SUMC, I realized that I didn't have to settle; that this is more than possible. Sometimes- most times, it just takes asking for help and being faithful.

Not going is not an option.
The only option is to move forward.
And moving forward means beginning to prepare for my trip to Perkins School of Theology in just 11 short days.

So it's time to clean off those dusty shelves and clear out the cluttered closest because this is it; this is the time to find out what's buried behind it all.